to find the brightest of sparks, the smartest of alecks,
the very pluperfect of pupils
in this year's battle to find the champions of School Challenge.
On my right in the red corner we have Ampleforth College
And on my left in the blue corner it's Peaches Chelsea and Chloe
- from St Trinian's! - (Cheering)
What term is applied to a restraint on the expansion of an economy
as a result of governmental taxation policy
whereby a rise in inflation causes a larger proportion
of wage earners' income to be paid in tax?
(Ping)
Chelsea, St Trinian's.
Fiscal drag.
Fiscal drag is the right answer.
- (Cheering) - Well done. Five points.
- Which Roman poet... - (Ping)
Peaches, St Trinian's.
Ovid.
Ovid is the answer I have on the card.
(Cheering)
- Who wrote... - (Ping)
Charles Dickens.
...is the right answer. Well, I'm sorry, Ampleforth,
you're up against a team at the very top of their form.
Quickly.
- Which Tchaikovsky overture (Ping)
1812.
Is the correct answer.
(Bell) - There goes the school bell
with the scores standing at
...which means, I'm sorry to say, Ampleforth College,
we have to bid farewell to you.
ALL: Loser! Loser!
Loser!
So...
how are we going to beat Bedales?
CELIA: Magic
The kind you get in mushrooms.
- Hi - Hi.
Anyone for camomile tea?
- Yes. - Thanks.
In which Shakespeare play would you find the following stage directions:
"Exit, pursued by a bear"?
(Buzzer)
Yes. Chas. Bedales.
- Was it Winnie the Pooh? - (Laughter)
(Continuous buzzing)
Caspar...
- Are you buzzing, Caspar? - Oh, yeah.
You've had your chance
You've buzzed... What are you doing?
What are you doing? Chas! I'm being touched.
Derek, I'm being touched. Derek!
(Ping)
Sure, just sign the deal and I'll make sure she says the brand live on air.
- Apple - Apple is the right answer
(Cheering)
Know-it-all nymphets from St Trinian's
Oh, come on, Eton. I'm going to have to hurry you.
No, it's gone.
(Bell)
And so has the bell!
And er... on that note, I'm afraid we leave Eton...
(Thud)
...and congratulate our glorious and glamorous victresses,
who will go on next week
to the grand final to meet Cheltenham Ladies' College
It is of course St Trinian's
(Cheering and chanting)
Are we going to close down St Trinian's?
THWAITES: No they're more use to us alive
You see, as things stand, they're the perfect symbol of misguided youth.
They're a beacon of ill-discipline in need of correction.
I'm going to make an example of them. I'll break their spirit.
They will conform.
It's time the world saw what we've been dealing with.
Show them the problem... then fix it.
The press pack is panting, Peter.
It's time we let them loose.
Hang on.
You want me, a man of my calibre...
...just to... bowl into some gallery in London,
waltz up to your old man
and offer to flog him a Vermeer for half a bar?
It won't be you. It will be this guy.
Gerhard Von Strubel, the most elusive art dealer in the world.
You want me to pretend to be some...
art bloke?
They've never met,
but my father would do anything to do business with him.
No, I'm sorry, I don't fancy it. No.
KELLY: What's wrong?
Not up to it, Flash?
I told you, Annabelle.
Hold on, hold on. I didn't say I wouldn't do it.
Come on, give us a look at it. I'll give anything a try once.
So, erm...
What's he like, then, this von Strubel mug?
- He's a count. - He sounds like one!
No, he's posh. I can do posh, look.
Oh, la-di-dah! Shall we go hunting?
But can you do German?
Yeah, of course I can. Ah, mon freuer...
Strindberg Wiederkind Jütgen Klinsmann...
It'll be all right on the night. Just give me a little bit of time.
What's he erm... What's he look like?
Well, all I've heard is that he's successful...
erudite and handsome.
Oh, I almost forgot. He's also very, very gay.
(Chokes)
(Whistle)
Scramble! Black Eagle, one o'clock!
Ready to make the front pages, Minister?
Peter, the only things the public wants to read about
are mayhem, misery and disaster.
So we'll be fine.
Thank you for coming, gentlemen, ladies.
What you're about to witness is the disgraceful result
of 15 years of political indifference.
Schools like this one are weeds.
Long neglected, they've been allowed to grow wild and unruly.
- And you're the weedkiller, Minister? - I like it, Denise.
Code Red!
People have often criticised my methods.
They say I'm too aggressive, hard-line, whatever.
But what I'm about to show you...
...is the appalling alternative.
It looks rather pleasant, if you ask me.
You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.
Minister! Minister?
Code Red!
Morning.
Er... are you lot from t' Inland Revenue?
No.
Phew!
Quickly, quickly.
Ready?
...when the sixth hour was come, there was a darkness over...
How can I help you?
And some of them stood by when they heard the saint
They're bound to slip up sooner or later.
(Clattering)
Christ! He's coming this way!
We're never gonna make it!
Who are you?
I know your daughter.
You're friends with Verity?
I was at Cheltenham with her.
She was the school bully and I was one of her favourite victims.
DENISE: Really?
So Minister your daughter was the school bully
And what's it like being at St Trinian's?
Oh, it's like...
one big, happy... if slightly dysfunctional... family.
A bastard profanes the English throne
The generous Britons are cheated by a juggler.
Geoffrey What a surprise!
What's going on, Miss Fritton?
The girls are hard at work,
and their headmistress is rehearsing the role of a lifetime.
Don't you think I make a remarkable queen?
You're up to something, and I will get to the bottom of it.
I will expose you.
Well, you'll have to at least buy me dinner first.
Oh, Geoffrey.
Oh, not again.
(Snarls)
Aar-rooo!
Not quite the headline we had in mind, Minister.
(Suppressed giggling)
(Screams)
(Snarls)
You've had this coming since the day you arrived, Fritton.
What are you going to do to me?
Give you a makeover, silly.
# SUGABABES: 3 Spoons Of Suga
# She likes to dress like she's fresh out of a magazine
# She struts around getting down to her record machine
# It's clear that she enjoys teasing all the boys
# They always say that you'll remember her name
# Because she's got it
# She's got it right down
# And all the guys say
# I need three spoons of sugar in a glass full of liquor
# To get over you
# I'm gonna need a whole lot of therapy to cure the sugar rush
# I can't get over you
# Gimme something in my coffee
# Gimme thrills, take my money
# Can't get over you
So... how do you feel?
Like a St Trinian.
# I need three spoons of sugar in a glass full of liquor
# To get over you
# Gimme something in my coffee
# Gimme thrills, take my money
# Can't get over you
# I'm gonna need a whole lot of therapy to cure the sugar rush
# I can't get over you
Ah, Lavinia.
Are you tempted by our caped crusader?
(Chuckles)
(German accent) Gah! Why is it that the first face I see
is not only the handsomest face in this room
but also the very face I came here to talk to?
It must be fate.
You are?
German.
Whereabouts in Germany?
Bayern Munich.
That's a football team.
Yes... and I am their number one fan.
Please, don't go. I didn't mean to offend you.
It's just... I get very lonely being German.
And a bigwig in the art world.
- I imagine. - And gay.
- Would you... - Ohh!
Whoopsie-daisy! Gerhard, Gerhard, Gerhard!
Oh, my God.
You're not Count Gerhard von...
Sshh, please!
I'm trying to keep a low profile.
One of the great masterpieces has just become available on the black market.
Which masterpiece are you talking about?
Well, it's actually rather a big deal.
A little out of your league, perhaps.
Perhaps it's something you'd er...
prefer to discuss over dinner.
What?
Well, you said how... lonely you are.
We could er... spend some time together.
A nice candlelit dinner,
a stroll along the beach...
...just the two of us...
...barefoot in the surf.
And then...
...back to my place.
Or I could just... tell you now.
- Oh, yes, OK. - Good, it's better.
The masterpiece is the...
The Girl With The Pearl Earring.
Really?
(Sombre music)
The ultimate price was paid by one...
...who laid down his life...
for his sisters and his school.
No greater love hath any dog...
...than this.
(Sniffs) I'm sorry.
This one's for Mr Darcy!
(Cheering)
# GIRLS ALOUD: On My Way To Satisfaction
# Hey, yeah, yeah
# Don't you know I saved a spot for you?
# And I-I-I
# I wanna introduce you to my crew
# So what do you say?
# Am I gonna get my way?
# I don't need your permission
# You're uptight and it don't look right
# You've gotta share my vision
# On my way
# To satisfaction
# How I love
# Your reaction
# On my way
# To satisfaction
# How I love
# Yeah
# Your reaction
Minister?
This school you very publicly condemned is now in the final of School Challenge.
A little embarrassing for your department is it not? Like to comment?
No, Denise, I wouldn't.
I'm here in a private capacity to support my daughter's school.
No more photos now, please, gentlemen.
REPORTER: One question.
Excuse, can I just...
I'm sorry, you can't go in there.
What? But I...
The team's going through some intense preparations.
(Power tool whirring)
Eurgh!
OK. Picture's up.
Tania, what are you doing?
You're 10.
And you're carrying high explosives.
It's not what you think, Kell.
It's for the smell.
We saw it on CSI.
Oh.
Good luck, girls.
(Cheering and applause)
(Theme tune intro)
- Annabelle? - Wait for it.
Hello and welcome to no less an institution than the National Gallery,
in London itself
where we're proud to welcome you to the grand final of School Challenge.
(Whooping)
OK. Now.
(Dull thud)
Girls? Girls, hello.
What's happened?
Come in, come in. Speak to me.
- (Groaning) - Oh look
BOTH: That was wicked.
OK, girls, let's rock'n'roll.
I love what you've done with the place
There's no time for this. Concentrate.
Who was burned at the stake for the crime of wearing men's clothes?
(Buzzer) - Peaches. St Trinian's.
Joan of Arc.
Joe Nafark.
Joan of Arc is the right answer. Five points to St Trinian's.
Plenty of time yet ladies from Cheltenham
OK, it looks like you're clear.
(Door slams)
What's happening?
Speak to me.
(Crying)
What are you doing here?
We got stuck in the toilet.
We thought our mummy would come and get us but nobody did.
We were scared.
You're safe now. Come on.
Come on.
Which Latin phrase defines the common -law legal action or writ
which is the means by which detainees can seek relief
from unlawful imprisonment?
Yes! Chelsea, St Trinian's.
Is it... um...
I think it might possibly be...
Um...
Habeas corpus.
Habeas corpus is the right answer. They are on fire, Cheltenham.
(Cheering and whooping)
A great English novel, published in 1813,
was originally said to be entitled First Impressions
It's better known by another title Can you give me that title please?
(Buzzer) - Chelsea. St Trinian's.
- Pride and (Feedback squeal)
Ow!
That was more painful than a Brazilian wax.
Brazilian wax? Is that your answer? Pride And Brazilian Wax?
- No! No, um... - (Laughter)
(Questions continue below)
We need more cover.
Medusa.
Medusa is the right answer. Well done.
Jolly good!
(Whooping and cheering)
I'm not sure why you're cheering quite so enthusiastically.
Your school is not doing too well at the moment.
- Go on. - I don't want to go.
Get out of the way, Morticia.
I'm scared of heights.
OK. I'm coming.
No. One at a time.
Go back.
Come on. Quick.
Now maths How are we on maths girls?
What is the volume of a sphere?
Yes, Peaches. You got there first.
Quite loud.
You're barking up the wrong tree there.
Not quite what we mean by "volume"
Any idea? Jemima yes?
- Pi R cubed. - Pi times the radius cubed
- It is Pi R cubed - Bursar.
I've always been rather good at figures.
Literature Let's see how we do here
She made her first appearance as a young girl in the novel
L'Assommoir by Emile Zola.
Yes. Chelsea, St Trinian's.
Kylie.
- (Laughter) - No, it isn't Kylie.
Yes, please, Antonia.
That would be Nana.
- Nana is the right answer. - (Applause)
St Trinian's lagging after a wonderful start on 45 points
to Cheltenham's 120
We'll take those scores into school break time.
Milk and buns for us, hopscotch in the playground for you.
See you later.
This is not happening.
Chelsea! You can't leave!
You all right, babes?
I just wonder if I'm wasting myself doing this platitudinous drivel.
Is this all there is?
That'll be your serotonin levels.
Here. I've got summat for you.
Red ones bring you up, blue ones bring you down.
Go for your life.
Oh... (Whimpers)
Wait Chelsea wait
No way. There is no way I am going back in there.
- What's wrong, Chelsea? - Our earpieces have stopped working.
Earpieces?
That's how we were getting the answers. Unnnh!
If you walk out now, this whole thing goes up in smoke.
Every offer we've had over the last six weeks will vanish.
No more Big Brother. No more Project Catwalk.
No more Celebrity Love Island.
You've been cheating.
(Sobs)
Just one moment, Chelsea Parker.
I've been watching you, you little madam...
...with your girlish wiles and your... saucy ways.
And now, it seems, your criminal cunning.
You know what you are, don't you?
(Whimpers)
A washed-up slapper.
- Smart. - Huh?
Smarter than you think.
I am?
And smart is cool.
- It is? - Yes.
And very, very sexy.
Really?
We're going to be back on in 30 seconds, OK?
- Where's Stephen? - He's here He's here He's here
I know he's here, because... I am he.
(Stephen laughs)
Oh, my darling lady girls. Welcome back, welcome back.
It's the kind of glorious evening, isn't it, gentle boys and all...
It's the kind of evening
where you want to gather every known numpty in the universe
and clutch them to your bosom.
Let's get straight down to it.
Let's do it and get straight down to it.
Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it, let's do it now.
Ladies and gentlemen first question
It's another fruit. We had a fruit earlier - we've got another fruit now.
This question is which native Brazilian tropical fruit
bears the Latin name ananas comosus?
Pawpaw. It's the pawpaw.
(Ping)
St Trinian's Chelsea
Pawpaw. Pawpaw!
Pawpaw! Pawpaw! Pawpaw!
Is it pineapple?
No!
It is pineapple.
- Five points to St Trinian's - Good.
OK. Well done.
- (Cheering) - I don't know who St Trinian was
but he was watching over you then
Congratulations you're back on form
So fingers back on buzzers please
(Quiz continues in background)
- Othello? STEPHEN: Othello will do
(Applause) - We've got a problem.
Thwaites is onto us.
Buggeration!
What is the capital of Burkina Faso?
(Ping) - Yes?
Chloe
Ouagadougou.
Ouagadougou is the right answer.
- (Cheering) - Well done, Chloe. Congratulations.
I had a boyfriend from there.
Another five points to St Trinian's This is getting exciting
Geoffrey!
You know, when I was in the prison system,
I encountered some of the country's top felons,
but your girls really are in a whole other league.
They are the crème de la crème.
What did I tell you?
Don't tell me. Tell it to the judge.
Oh, I've met some hard-boiled men in my time,
but... you are 20 minutes.
One last drink... for old times' sake?
I don't think so.
Geoffrey, where did it all go wrong?
You and I...
Where did it go wrong?
Was I... (Sighs)... too fickle, too... fanciful?
Too... much for you?
Maybe I will have that drink.
Down here!
Wait for me.
Let's dance.
# A new dawn waits for us tonight
# If you play the cards... - Come on, focus!
# I swear I'll keep in party line
# Cross my heart and hope to die
# If I lose myself to rhythm
# Doesn't mean I lose control
# If I can't dance then I don't want
# Any part of your revolution
# Revolution
You've put me in a very difficult position, Milla.
Whereas on the one hand, it's my sovereign duty to...
to turn you in. On. Over.
On the other hand, the second hand. Ticktock.
You're so...
- So... - Intelligent?
Fragrant?
- Dangerous? - Odd.
I mean, you always have been.
Cat's in the bag and the bag's in the river.
Everyone, we have lift-off!
(Cheering)
I'm sorry, Camilla, but as you well know, I am a hard...
I'm a hard...
What am I? ...liner.
I'm a hardliner, which means I'm hard and a liner.
Had a dog called Linus once.
Linus!
Here, boy.
GEOFFREY: Linus! Here boy!
Linus!
I thought the world of that dog.
I loved that dog.
Camilla.
What I'm trying to tell you...
...is that you...
you remind me of Linus.
(Moans)
(Thud)
Woof, woof.
(Camilla humming)
(Geoffrey mumbling)
Three minutes till the end of the show.
You've gotta get back pronto
(Gasps)
(Quiz continues below)
What are you doing?
I couldn't stay there on my own.
...in Greek mythology, of Hercules...
- OK, don't panic. - Panic?
You can do it - you're nearly there
(Gasps)
And I know now that it's time for the final question.
And looking at the scores...
- Kelly listen to me - What am I meant to do?
Get back now. Right now.
Or we're history
. 140 points. For the first time in School Challenge we have a tie
as we go into the final question
All the sweating, all the heartache, all the dreams, the hopes, ambitions,
the revising the swotting
it's all come down to this moment.
(Contestant breaks wind)
(Laughter)
I'm sorry. It's a side effect of my raisin and Ryvita diet.
Contrary to popular opinion, better in than out.
And so, ladies and gentlemen,
the final question - the decider.
Fingers on buzzers. Which substance is believed to have
such strong aphrodisiac properties
that the Aztecs forbade women
from consuming it.
Thwaites Junior is onto us.
She'll blow the whole thing - we've got to stop her
- I'll handle this. - But, Annabelle...
- Annabelle. - She's mine.
Annabelle come in!
(Ping)
(Gasps)
Chelsea, St Trinian's.
Thwaites.
- Where are you going? - I'm going to bring you down, Fritton.
You and your vulgar little school.
I have to hurry you, Chelsea. If you buzz you must answer straightaway.
Is it chocolate?
(Sighs)
You do know I'm faster than you.
Annabelle? Annabelle come in
Annabelle
Urgh!
Chocolate? Is that your answer?
Er...
Yes, it is.
Time for a little prayer.
Is the right answer!
(Cheering and applause) - Yes!
Which means this year's champions are St Trinian's School.
(Wild cheering)
(Stephen chuckles)
I'm so happy.
Yes! Yes!
Yes, Bursar!
(Cheering continues)
Yeah!
(Running water)
(Camilla humming)
(Gargling)
(Toilet flushes)
Camilla, erm...
Last night, what happened? I don't remember anything.
(Giggles) I'm sorry, Geoffrey.
I'm afraid I had to slip you a little something.
And then...
you returned the favour.
Oh, God, you didn't, did you?
Well not exactly
- Now, listen, Camilla, I can't... - Oh, shut up, Geoffrey.
Just kiss me.
# THE FOUR ACES: Love Is A Many Splendoured Thing
# Love is a many splendoured thing
# It's the April rose that only grows in the early spring
(Needle scratches across record)
What the?
(Gasps)
(Groans)
What took you so long?
More now on that breaking news story.
In an extraordinary turn of events,
the priceless painting that was stolen last night from the National Gallery
has been recovered.
Vermeer's Girl With A Pearl Earring
was found by a group of schoolgirls in a changing room of Harvey Nichols.
We can go live now to St Trinian's School
where our reporter Denise Stephenson
is with the chairman of the National Gallery
waiting to give the girls a reward.
It gives me great pleasure to present this award
to the girls of St Trinian's
who are model citizens, an example to young people everywhere.
And here they are now.
(Cameras click, reporters call out)
How does it feel to be a role model?
We've been unable to contact Education Minister Geoffrey Thwaites...
- There he is! - He's up there.
- (Shouting) - Come on, Minister.
(Cheering)
# We can't fake the way we feel
# We were born to keep it real
# Hockey sticks and balls of steel
# We are St Trinian's
# You bite us, we'll bite you back
# Better be scared when we attack
# Feel the fear, we're maniacs
# St Trinian's
# Check out our battle cry
# A song to terrify
# No-one can stand in our way
# We are the best
# So screw the rest
# We do as we damn well please
# Until the end
# St Trinian's
# Defenders of anarchy
# We are the best
# So screw the rest
# We do as we damn well please
# Until the end
# St Trinian's
# Defenders of anarchy
# St Trinian's!
# So scam all the toffs, the neats and the freaks
# Blackmail the goths, the slappers and the geeks
# And if they complain, we'll do it all again
# We do as we damn well please
# ASBO the chavs, the emos and their mates
# To torment the slags, we offer special rates
# And if they complain, we'll do it all again
# Defenders of anarchy
# Check out our battle cry
# A song to terrify
# No-one can stand in our way
# We are the best
# So screw the rest
# We do as we damn well please
# Until the end # Until the end
# St Trinian's
# Defenders of anarchy
# St Trinian's!
(Cheering)
# CAMILLA & GEOFFREY: Love Is In The Air
There's something about you tonight, Camilla.
CAMILLA: # Love is in the air
# Everywhere I look around
# Love is in the air
# Every sight and every sound
GEOFFREY: # And I don't know if I'm being foolish
# Don't know if I'm being wise
# It's something that I must believe in
# And it's there when I look in your eyes
CAMILLA: # Love is in the air
# In the whisper of the trees
Yes, it is Geoffrey.
# Love is in the air
# In the thunder of the sea
# And I don't know if I'm just dreaming - Shall I pinch you, Geoffrey?
# Don't know if I feel sane - You're utterly bonkers.
# But it's something that I must believe in
# And it's there when you call out my name
Oh, Geoffrey!
BOTH: # Love is in the air
# Love is in the air
# Whoa-whoa-whoa - Geoffrey!
- Do it again. # Whoa-whoa-whoa
You love it, you saucy minx.
(Camilla giggles) Fame Academy, here we come.
CAMILLA: # Love is in the air
# In the rising of the sun
GEOFFREY: # Love is in the air
# When the day is nearly done
# And I don't know if you're an illusion - I'm here, Camilla.
# I don't know if I see it true
GEOFFREY: # But you're something that I must believe in
# And you're there when I reach out for you
Not there, please, Geoffrey.
CAMILLA: # Love is in the air
# Everywhere I look around
GEOFFREY: # Love is in the air
# Every sight and every sound - Geoffrey!
BOTH: # And I don't know if I'm being foolish
# Don't know if I'm being wise
# But it's something that I must believe in
# And it's there when I look in your eyes
- More rhythm. - Slow down, Camilla.
For God's sake, slow down. Give a man a chance.
CAMILLA: Give it more rhythm, more rhythm. Go on. Go on!
# Love is in the air
# Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo!
# Love is in the air
# Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo!
GEOFFREY: I love it when you look at me like that.
Come on, Geoffrey, let's not ruin the chorus.
- Here we go. One, two... - One, two...
One, two, three, four!
# Love is in the air
# Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo!
# Love is in the air
# Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo!
# Love is in the air